@MELLYDAO

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CHANTELLE
DANNY
ELLE
ELTON
EMILY
HELENTHAI
KHOI
LEANNCHAN
LISABUI

Sometimes when you just lie there you wonder where did you go wrong? Maybe life isn't about the journey or the material possessions you have to show at the end but maybe in the end, what you have to show for life is what you've become. Honestly, was this developed over a period of time?
To become this selfish, insecure creature.
I think I can see where my selfishness comes from, as being the only child. I never really learnt how to share or how to compromise too well. But I think it became even worse when my parents divorced and my step dad had entered the picture because it was like sharing my mom for the rest of my life. It's different when it's your real dad because you can be one happy family together. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Not that we were ever a happy family.
I don't think many people can understand the bond I have with my mom, she's just kinda all I have. I can't really put it into words, like I am not demoralizing the emotion you feel for your parents and maybe you do feel the same way. I just don't know.
There was a period of time when I was younger, I'd sleep in her bedroom because I just felt so lonely and scared and we would watch series together and in the middle of the night, she would go to the bathroom and not come back. I remember I woke up to find her in the middle of the night, to find her slumped on the ground in the corridor. She was ill when I was young too.
I don't even know why I'm telling you.
What I am trying to say is that, I'm selfish because when it comes to you, I don't want to lose you. Because I'm just used to grasping onto to any reach and pulling for more, because it was never enough.
A habit I have now, when I'm alone or sometimes in public as well is that, I'd call people on the phone but not place the phone next to my ear til I see the 00:01 timer running is because when I was younger, my mom used to drop me off at my auntie's house so my mom could keep an eye on my dad in the casino. And I would sneak downstairs and call her to see when she was coming home. But all I ever got was the ringing dialing tone. And the disappointment that ensued.
As for my insecurity, due to the taunting words and the ex. It scarred me for a while. Although that period of time is still continuing.
What I'm trying to say is that I have this person who I have become. I put up guards around people who don't deserve it, and let my guard down around those who hurt me. I'm reckless and sometimes irrational. I am a bit bi polar i.e. with highest highs and the lowest lows. I worry about what you think of me. I'm selfish and I just want things my way. I feel so horrible inside.
That is why, I'm changing. Twenty ten is the year for change.
And I'm glad you have noticed something has changed in me. But like I said, for more progress it will take more time.


p.s. I miss Elisa already. And I'm glad she is happy again. That's all that matters to me.
pps. Good luck to LeannChan in sorting out your troubles darling
ppps. time to clean my closet!

Bye xx
5:22 PM

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